Today was an extremely crappy day for you. You bombed an extremely important test in one of your classes, the lunch was pure shit… just about anything that could go wrong did. You were so grateful to get out of class that day.
But at least you'd get to hang out with Alfred now! He was your best friend, and as such always knew what to do to cheer you up. Though you kind of felt like he wouldn't be able to help you out this time, since this was a really bad funk, you figured it'd at least be fun!
Oh boy, how wrong you were. About him not being able to cheer you up that is. Alfred could sense your despair as soon as he saw you. For a guy who was often accused of not being able to "sense the mood", he sure could read you pretty well.
"Awwww, what's wrong, __________?" He asked, concerned.
"Nothing, Alfred." You lied, knowing it was pointless. He'd annoy the hell out of you until he got you to fess up. He was oddly sweet like that. Maybe that's why you were secretly in love with him?
Ooops, did I say that out loud? Sorry.
"_______, you might as well come clean. You know I'm gonna get it out of you."
You sighed. "I honestly just don't wanna talk about it. I had a bad day; let's leave it at that."
"Awwwww well don't worry, _______! The hero knows how to cheer you up!"
You weren't really sure what the deal was with Alfred's love of heroes, or his constant proclamations of being one himself. Honestly, it didn't phase you anymore.
"What's that?" You asked, a bit skeptical.
"You'll see when we get to my house!"
~Time skip to Alfred's place!~
"Prank calls? Really, Alfred?"
"Yeah, dude! Come on, it'll be fun!"
"It will not be fun! It's juvenile and stupid!"
He groaned. "You know, you're cute _________, but sometimes you sound like Arthur and it really turns me off."
You blushed crimson red at this. "F-fine! I'll stay! But you make the calls, got it?"
He smiled. "Alright! Now…" He reached in his pocket and pulled out a number with the word "Strip Club" over it.
"Do I wanna know?" You asked.
"Francis." Was his response. Ah. That explained it.
Without further ado, he called the number on the piece of paper.
"Hello?" a woman's voice said.
"Yeah, uh hello?"
Yeah uh… I have a bit of a problem."
"What is your problem?"
"Yeah, I left there maybe an hour ago, and I had a couple of drinks, and I remember getting about…. I think it was seven lap dances…"
Apparently the connection wasn't too good, as the woman couldn't hear him.
"I said I was there maybe an hour ago, and I got about seven lap dances. You hear that part?"
"Yeah." She chuckled.
"And okay… look, I got about two problems. For one –I'm not really trippin' about this problem, because it was kind of my fault, because I was drinking, and I spent all my money on lap dances and all that- but uh, to be honest with you, I got to drinking, and when I get to drinking I get to thinking, and I thought about when I sat down after I got out of the shower… uh, that last girl that danced on me? I remember she told me she had a dang-a-lang."
You almost lost it then and there. Alfred motioned for you to be quiet however, so you tried to keep your cool.
"She had a what?!" The woman asked incredulously.
"Well she told me… she whispered in my ear like, she said she was gonna do something strange, and she licked my ear, and then she told me she had a dang-a-lang."
By now you and the woman on the other line were laughing your asses off. Alfred once again motioned for you to shush and you did your best to keep it at a quiet giggle.
"Is… is this for real?" she asked.
"Naw…Hell yeah it's for real!"
"Aha-ha, this is not for real."
"Look ma'am, I'm already mad because I lost my money, but the thing is, I've been thinking, listen- I got out of the shower and sat down, and I thought about it and I was like, "Damn, did this bitch just tell me she had a dang-a-lang?" "
You couldn't take anymore. You told Alfred you had to go and just let loose for a little bit, because this was just too much.
You came back a little while later to find him still talking to her.
"No, I'm gonna be straight up with you though. I'm not complaining about the dang-a-lang or nothing, I'm just trying to figure out, you know, that's why she charged me extra."
"I'm sorry, hold on." The woman said, unable to control her laughter. Figuring the conversation was over, Alfred hung up the phone and turned to you, smiling.
"So _________, do you feel better?"
"Y-yeah." You managed to reply through your laughter, which came to a sudden halt when Alfred walked up to you and wrapped his arms around your waist.
"A-alfred?" You stammered nervously. He smiled at this and leaned down, pressing his lips against yours. You instantly kissed him back, of course. You'd wanted this for years!
"I like it better when you smile." He told you when he finally pulled away, giving you his trademark hero smile.
"Bleh." You said, pretending to vomit at his cheesy comment.
"You know you love it. And me."
"Yeah, yeah." You assured him.