Regret

Regret.

It seems to be a bit of a big factor in my life right now, both in my own personal life and the life of those close to me.
In fact, it seems a factor in everyone’s lives. It’s almost like, a rite of passage. A test to prove you’re alive.

I’ve definitely had  my share of regretful moments (in fact, I’d argue I’ve had more than my fair share). They knock me down a peg, which is good, because I get the feeling if I had much self- worth I would be a bitch . My most humbling experiences come from my love life, however.

Now, before you go thinking this is just another piece of teenage angst where I talk about how poorly I was treated or how poorly I treated my significant others… well it’s not. Truth is we’re both to blame in all cases. They were selfish jerks who were insensitive to my lack of experience in the dating area (and two of them didn’t have much experience themselves), and I suffered from a BAD case of Taylor Swift syndrome (clingy, bitchy, and not so subtly putting some of our business on blast).

What I regret is how I acted afterward. Left handed, an Aquarian, and an oddball most of my life, it seemed like a bunch of mystical, subtle powers were working against me having much self confidence. I’d set myself up as an outcast rather early in life, and while I don’t believe kids hated me, I wasn’t exactly popular. Not in a good way, anyway. So I grew, becoming less outspoken, more unsure, and more worried about being forever alone.

Every year I’d have a new crush, and every year my erratic behavior would drive them away. I noticed the kids around me with boyfriends and girlfriends as early on as elementary school, and every year passing that I didn’t have one, was a year I spent cursing the whole idea, cursing love period. What a stupid thing it was! Why couldn’t I just keep it from happening to me? It’s not like it would work out!

By high school, I vowed to never speak of my crushes, not to them anyway. And I vowed to change my jealous crazy behavior. When 9th grade came I had two crushes, one who could’ve returned my feelings but didn’t, and one who I think may have loved me… but not in the way I’d hoped. It was for the best; he was a married teacher after all. I always kept in mind that that could never be.

Sophomore year passed without incident, or at least I believe it did. Obviously if I don’t remember it wasn’t worth remembering.

And then Junior year…  Junior year was the year. I fell for a not at all attractive, but charming guy. I think it started when I learned his sign; he was a Gemini. Stupid, I know, but astrology is an interest of mine. I know better than to assume that astrological compatibility was the end all be all; even astrologers will tell you that.  Still, despite everything I let myself fall.

And I let myself fall hard. Several things that should’ve been deal breakers came up, things that I want to slap myself for now for… I can’t even say overlooking, because I knew. I knew they were there. I guess you could say “forgave”.

Knowing how truly incompatible we were turning out to be didn’t soften the blow when this guy got a girlfriend. On Valentine’s day, no less! Annnnd… it was long distance.

But the icing on the cake came when I couldn’t even get a rebound. Which is something else I also regret.  I’m far too modest to agree, but I’ve often heard I’m pretty. At the very least I’d agree I’m too pretty for the guy in question, but that’s never stopped me before. I used to think a good personality and just being a good person were what I looked for, but this guy… well he wasn’t bad, but he didn’t have much going for him in either of those either. I don’t know where the attraction was, honestly.

Anyway, while I was going through all this hurt, a friend was going through his own. The same hurt I was, nonetheless. For me.


Actually, two were. Unfortunately, I had to break one’s heart. It’s another regret of mine, because… well, I hate hurting people, and I considered this guy for a bit and thought it could work. So in a way, I lead him on. He doesn’t hold any anger towards me for it; I think he still likes me. But I feel awful.


Anyway, while I broke one’s heart, another fixed mine (ugh, cheesiness).  I finally realized and returned his feelings, and got my first boyfriend!


But mutual love wasn’t what I expected it to be. I won’t get into what went wrong, suffice to say again, both of us were at fault. I will say things were left in the air when he originally broke it off with me. Left in a state of ambiguity, and not being able to see or contact him almost every day since it was summer break and means of communication were taken away/ignored, I went into a depression. I cut in secret, fancied ideas of suicide, and cried a lot. Nearly every day.

It was from a friend of his that I learned where we stood; he had dumped me. Looking back, I should’ve figured that, based on his actions. But all I felt was hurt and confusion. Weaker and less confident than ever, his friend preyed on me, charming his way into my heart. Despite warnings from family about keeping it in the friendship (a cycle I broke after this), I went out with this new guy.

I poked fun at Taylor Swift before, but I must say “I knew you were trouble” would likely be a good theme song for this relationship. This guy was flirting with me while dating someone else (though I waited till he broke it off to date him), and I had some very basic knowledge of another girl he had a frequent dysfunctional on/off relationship with. I even asked a friend if it was a good idea and she told me about the two of them. How they were the only people the other cared about (they couldn’t stay together because of issues with the girl’s mom). With all this knowledge, I still went in, and I still let my heart hurt when he  - not at all surprisingly- left me for her. I started cutting once again. This relationship lasted even shorter than my first, leaving me to doubt myself all the more. Surely something had to be wrong with me!

I didn’t get to feel this way for long though, because within a few days I found someone new. Truth be told, I wasn’t a hundred percent into it at first. I hadn’t taken proper time to heal, and I was still pining for my ex. But slowly, I began to fall for this guy. It turned into the longest relationship I had.

Unfortunately it was also the hardest to let go. Even though things went south and stayed there for a while, I always remembered the good times and desperately tried to make it work. And this is where I hold the most regret.

For the first time, even if they were thankfully massive fails, I began to act on my suicidal thoughts.  The cuts came back with a vengeance... my folks, scared for my life, put in a ward for 5 days. Imagine my surprise on getting the diagnosis on my paper for admission: Major Depression.

Despite using the word earlier, and despite all the tears I shed and hurt I felt, it never occurred to me that I was actually suffering from depression. It was just one of those things that happens to other people, people not part of your top three in the six degrees. But sure enough, I had therapy there, got a prescription for  Zoloft ©, and I felt immensely better! It took removing the boy from my life entirely to truly heal though, and while it was hard and forced, I realize it was for the best.

I skimmed through each of these scenarios, but really what happened was similar in each one. I met a guy, fell for him, fell for him too hard, and got my heart broken when they ended it. And looking back on the conversations I had via facebook or text messages (or I would if I had my phone), I just want to slap some sense into myself.  I hate it when people act the way I acted! I moped and whined and bitched about my problems constantly. I was the kind of person most people hate, in fact.

Even worse, I made my family worry constantly about me (and friends, although to a lesser extent as they don’t know about the ward). I caused unnecessary strain in their lives in a time where things already were stressful. My dad had been diagnosed with diabetes, my stepmom’s cancer had returned, and with new family members the cost of living was going up.

I finally, although not voluntarily, spent the time I needed alone. The time to learn to love me . And in that time, I learned a lesson I should’ve already known; life without a boyfriend? It’s okay! It’s actually just as fun as before! The only thing I’m missing out on is sex, and well, you can’t miss what you never had, right?

I doubt you’ve wasted your time with the entirety of this boring old thing, dear reader. But if you have, and you’re going through this right now, know that it gets better. You’ll be okay! If you’re meant to be, you will be. If not, well, what happens is probably for the best. Always remember that there is someone out there right now who loves you, even if it’s not in a romantic sense. And that person or those people will always be there to support you.